Feel all the maddening paradoxes.

“Feel all the things. Feel the hard things. The inexplicable things, the things that make you disavow humanity’s capacity for redemption. Feel all the maddening paradoxes. Feel overwhelmed, crazy. Feel uncertain. Feel angry. Feel afraid. Feel powerless. Feel frozen. And then FOCUS.

Pick up your pen. Pick up your paintbrush. Pick up your damn chin. Put your two calloused hands on the turntables, in the clay, on the strings. Get behind the camera. Look for that pinprick of light. Look for the truth (yes, it is a thing—it still exists.)

Focus on that light. Enlarge it. Reveal the fierce urgency of now. Reveal how shattered we are, how capable of being repaired. But don’t lament the break. Nothing new would be built if things were never broken. A wise man once said: there’s a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in. Get after that light.

This is your assignment.”

– Courtney E. Martin

This challenging quote popped up on my Facebook feed today…. and along with several people over the past few weeks telling me that I need to cast off fear and be bold in the things I say online, I’ve decided to start blogging my heart on here again. To own what God’s been doing in my heart currently and to be honest and raw about the hurt and rejection I’ve faced in the past.

I started blogging when we were told at 28 weeks that the child growing inside of me had several birth defects that would end up taking his very life.  Over the next 10 weeks of his life and the following year or so of intense grieving I found this place to be a sacred place where I could talk about my pain, my passions, my Savior and this hard life He’s asked me to follow Him into. It was a place of sitting and feeling the pain and a place of healing for me.

I was talking to a friend a while back who had had a bariatric procedure done and she said the best and hardest part about her new reality is that now she can only run to food so much before she can’t eat anymore and is forced to sit and face the pain. She said it’s been healing for her not only physically but emotionally because she has to feel all the feels. Something in me realized that I used to do that… I used to embrace the pain.

I started this blog from a place of brokenness. I used to write whatever I was feeling and experiencing in the pain of losing a child and during the emotional toll of each adoption journey, and even a few years ago the rawness of my marriage struggles and God’s goodness within that.  Which is probably why those experiences are probably some of the hardest yet more healthy journeys I have been through.

But when it comes to some parts of my current reality and the discomfort of growing and stretching outside my “safe” zones, the frustration I have with some of the theology/religion/worldviews I was brought up with and embraced…and judged from for most of my life, and the rejection I and others have faced because  I’ve dared to live openly about the things God has been changing in me, and the muzzling I feel about speaking openly about the wrongs done and harmful thinking just because of who have done the harming and indoctrinating are people with authority and power….  when it’s come to all THOSE things… I have stayed relatively silent. In the name of “honoring”… In the name of  hoping… In the name of holding people together.  But, if I’m honest it’s taking so much of my mental and physical energy from day to day.

So a part of me wonders…. is this my space where I can’t escape feeling all the feels? Is this where I can process and deal and give validity to and confront the things my heart is in turmoil over?  Can this be a place to be free to be broken again?

Is this where I dare to expose my thoughts and let those who can’t handle it back away if they must and those who may relate nod their heads and find solidarity, and those who think nobody understands draw in closer and know they aren’t alone and that there is a Savior who is closer than a brother to us.

well… let’s see shall we?




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