6 years

August 9th.


It’s a day that marks so much and yet as the years pass I find that it’s a day that I don’t fully know how to celebrate, morn, share, honor, or rejoice in.

I feel like August 9th is a day of beautiful contradictories.

Every year on this day I find myself busy and slightly irritable….yet at the same time so aware of how happy I am because of the life that I am living now that 6 years ago I couldn’t begin to fathom.

It’s the day I became a mother yet the saddest day of my life.

It’s a day I long for eternity yet find myself wanting to beautify my life here because I am here and more aware of it than ever…and yet I know all the things I want to fill my shopping baskets with does nothing to help the neighbor next door who can’t keep her power on day by day.

I’m sorrowful that my son died so young but I know he was always wanted and loved and left peacefully…such a stark contrast to starving orphans and children being beheaded.

My firstborn would have been celebrating 6 years old today. But instead of cake and ice cream Asher is experiencing a life that is so much more incredible and doesn’t hold a candle to anything he could have ever had here. I don’t wish for him to be here. But I wish he hadn’t died. But I wouldn’t have this life had he lived. I think the way my heart has dealt with this dissonance is that I know that God has so wonderfully blessed us with these five little lives we have and I cherish them in ways I never would if I hadn’t said goodbye to my son, but He’s also entrusted Asher’s story to me!

So that’s why I wanted to write and share tonight what’s going on in my heart.

So to those who have loved and lost…. I just want to say that may your days be filled with these strange yet beautiful but irritating and very real paradoxes and may they keep us always cherishing the past and longing for more and embracing fully of the ever changing person God is molding us to be knowing that one day EVERYTHING will be made right and joy won’t have to be mingled with pain! Memories will make perfect sense and the goodness of God will be so clearly visible!

Let’s hug our earthly babies tomorrow and ask God for the wisdom and grace to parent them in such a way that they will see what matters most in this life….which isn’t this life after all.

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