Dan confessed to me the other day that whenever he checks on the kids at night or in the morning his hand is fearing touching the cold skin of a lifeless child. The blood rushed to my arms almost impulsively because I knew exactly what he was talking about.
After you know what it is like to hold a lifeless child in your arms and praying and begging to feel the warmth rush back into them… bedtimes and the first few seconds of checking on them in the morning are almost a daily battle between this peace that only He can bring you and this underlying grip of fear that one of these morning your life could be drastically altered forever and you don’t know if you’d be able to live through it. Not because you can’t imagine something so horrible happening…. but because you can.
I look at my children often and am so swept up in my love for them that I find myself begging God right there to PLEASE not take them from me. It’s a strange thing to love something so fiercely yet to be constantly aware that it’s keeping is something you’ve been entrusted to keep safe and to nurture but at the same time knowing that there are hundreds and thousands of things that could take their life in a heartbeat and you’re powerless to stop it.
I am Thankful for this awareness as a parent in us now, because it’s a daily tethering of my heart to the Almighty whom watches over each and every breath my child takes and hears each feeble prayer my heart makes. Someone once said that “a sovereign God cannot be trusted to negotiate our fears, but He can be trusted.” I have found that to be true.
So I trust Him tonight and rest in the fact that tomorrow He will give me the strength to trust Him no matter what the morning light brings.
God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.
Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.
Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.
Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.
– William Cowper