Now, I know pregnancy can makes us ladies do some strange things. But it’s amazing the craziness you feel when you have a baby that’s thousands of miles away and there is not much you can do about it but sit around and wait and make lists…. lots of lists!! so we become impatient list makers, and when we are sitting in our homes where we have access to our computers, pencils and paper, the fridge, and lots of chores that need to be done then we can remain fairly sane…or at least feel somewhat safe in our mental craziness.
But when we step out into the world, be it grocery shopping, church, adoption related appointments,Post Offices… oh, especially Post Offices, even driving…. we are definitely more vulnerable. I found myself at times telling my check out lady way more than she ever bargained for when she asked how my day was going. I would park in the expectant mothers parking at Babies R us and dare someone to question me about that.
I would tear up in every worship service, it was like the combination of Truth put to a melody just instantly would reach into my soul and tell me that things are going to be okay and reminded me that He’s in charge.
Because my brain often wouldn’t stop spinning, if I didn’t have a detailed list and in order of where I needed to go and what I needed to get then I would end up driving halfway somewhere and turn around to go somewhere else only to turn back around again when I realized that I was going to the right place first. I cried openly several times at my local post office when things didn’t go as I had planned and they would tell me I needed something else or needed to come back at a different time…. or when my passport was lost/stolen right there at the counter when minutes before I had taken a photo of it with my phone. (still have NO idea how that happened but they took that front room apart looking for it).
It helped so much when my friends, my family, and my blessed amazing husband would just be there for me as I would fall apart on them or vent my latest frustration or just admit through the tears that I thought something was really wrong with me and that I shouldn’t have to feel this way anymore.
One of the ways losing Asher changed me is that I have a hard time crying. I used to be able to cry at the drop of a hat… but now, even sad movies unless I’m really attached to the characters don’t really make me cry. Because of that I find that if I’m not careful I will go months without a good sob fest and then it all is still bottled up in me and waiting to explode.
That happened right before I left for the Congo. I think the pressure of the trip combined with not having the time or energy or the desire to just cry some of my frustrations out…. collided with a massive walmart pre-trip shopping experience and BOOM!!! I thought I was going to lose my ever loving mind. I was worried about growing expenses (you know all those little expenses that aren’t on your adoption expense sheet that as they add up get to be a HUGE amount of money that you weren’t planning on spending) well, I was letting those start to get to me and then I was stressed about leaving Zoe and Jack (but up until this point I couldn’t cry about it or focus on it because it was what it was) And I just didn’t know how to feel… to literally feel. I was a walking time bomb of conflicting emotions. As the check out lady at Wal-mart continued to ring up my full basket of the most random things she’s probably ever seen anyone buy… (planning for 6 weeks in a 3rd world country will make you get some strange things) but as the total creeped up and up I started to feel my face tingling…. then the blood seemed to drain out of my arms and hands and my feet felt like bricks of stone. I’m surprised I was able to pay her because I remember my eyes flooding with tears and starting to panic a little…… it was then I reached for my phone and called a friend…. (I would have called Dan but I didn’t want to freak him out right then) once she answered and by then I was outside of Walmart… I just let the panic take over and sat down on the pavement and with one hand holding the basket wheel I completely fell apart. (yes, can you imagine what I looked like to others passing by??) I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t talk. Thankfully… my dear friend knew exactly how to handle it and talked me through it one sentence at a time, reminding me to breathe often. And I guess because I was on the phone… but can you believe not one person stopped to ask me if I was okay?? I obviously wasn’t. They just walked by and stared at me. Then I started to freak out about that, when she assured me that chances were high that I wasn’t the strangest looking thing at walmart that day. Through the tears I found a laugh… and began to calm down. I was feeling a lot better!! But my goodness, this was the craziest thing that had ever happened to me.
I remember about 15 years ago calling one of my mother’s friends one time out of sheer desperation because something was not right about my mom. It was like she was super hormonal and you never knew if something you said or did would make her cry or laugh. Her mind was thousands of miles away (almost 5000 miles to be exact). Her friend reminded me that even though my mom wasn’t physically pregnant she was expecting and that when a woman is adopting she often will go through some crazy emotional roller coaster rides and that we needed to just love her extra and pray for this adoption of our sister from China. At the time this daughter of hers didn’t have a clue as to what all mom was going through back then. Now…. I do.
Yes, I felt crazy. But I also have never felt more in need of the prayers of the saints…. more dependent on Christ’s love and the love and support of those around me…..more in the center of God’s almighty hand…. I have never felt more ALIVE!!!