That’s what I call these two. Some days I wonder, will I still call them that when they have another sister and a brother? Will I call them Big Sister and Big Brother? What cute nick names will I call Ezra and Evie? I guess we shall see.
Some days I wonder a lot. I wonder if we are really supposed to be doing this right now. I wonder if there is enough of us to go around for 4 little ones. I wonder if the timing of things will come together. I wonder if people secretly think we’re nuts for doing this but just don’t say anything to our faces. I wonder how easy life would be if we just had Zoe and Jack to raise. I wonder how 2 more children will effect our marriage…. I know the two we have brought more stress but it also brought redemptive healing and maturity to both our lives. I wonder if we will have major medical issues to deal with when we get home with Ezra and Evie. I wonder if it will be life changing medical issues. I wonder how will I ever capture their home country in a way I love when photography is illegal over there. I wonder how I”ll be able to visit orphanages over there and come back knowing there are so many waiting for families and so many I know who could adopt but aren’t. (I don’t want to be the kind of person that those who don’t adopt can’t be around without feeling judged… but I don’t want to sit back and do nothing for those babies who are available and dying) I wonder how we will get out and about with 4 under 3. I wonder how I will ever keep a decent house when I can’t seem to manage it now. When I talk about frustrations or tell crazy stories about the two I have, People love to remind me that I’m going to be re-living it all again here shortly…. I wonder if they realize that doesn’t help. I wonder how Zoe and Jack will be… already they battle to contend for our affections… will they more so with baby brother and a baby sister? I wonder…….
But then I’m brought back to the truths that rule my everyday life and my every moment. The truths that tell me…… that God ordains all things. That God is FOR His children. That Children are a blessing. That refinement and sanctification and sacrifice are good things. That in hard times in the past, He’s been there every step of the way. That He puts in our hearts desires that work to accomplish His will. That we are commanded to look after the orphan. That those who love Him will keep His commandments. That He provides grace and that His mercies are New each and every morning.
Sometimes I wonder and my thoughts run wild.
All the other times… I am resolved in Truth and choose to rest in His Grace.
The latter is SO much more rewarding and joyful to live in.