I will carry you { testimony & review }

I went to Raleigh back in January  as many of you know be with Angey when Cullen was born.

Cullen Price is special in 1000 different ways to me but the main two would be that he’s my best friends firstborn… he’s what made my BFF a mommy!!! And the second would be that this precious parents chose him to carry Asher’s name as a middle name. She had been emailing me back and forth for those first few months some ideas her and wes had been mulling over and so when she told me she had emailed me the final choice but needed my input I had no idea that it would be input given as Asher’s mommy. I wept. I was so happy and very emotional over the fact that such a wonderful name would be used to celebrate a new little life once again.

So, while I was there I got to go to a surprise baby shower for another friend there. It was so great to sit at a table with other mommies and talk about babies, and kiddos and homes and schools… and all that good stuff.  Almost when we were about to leave, the mommy who the baby shower was for, handed me a book. I saw it as she asked me if I had read it or not, and I felt my body tense up and got ready to just say I had heard of it and I’m sure it was a great book. It was a book about someone else’s story of how they lost a baby and how they got through it.  It was called I will Carry you. I’m sure many of you have heard the song sang by Selah, who happens to be the group that this little baby’s daddy was in. And I can’t tell you how many people sent me the lyrics to that song…. it’s an amazing song and while I do love the words and hope it gives, I think that after three years I kinda have gotten a little calloused and so many memories  -good and bad, are yes, still there, but they are much deeper in my heart and don’t often surface without doing some digging.  Well, I just looked at the book she was holding and nodded and was about to move on when she stuck it into my hands and said, you HAVE to read it.  I think I flushed. I was slightly embarrassed, here we were at a baby shower and we were talking about reading about sorrow and death of a baby.  I think I didn’t want to be reminded that I was different and forever will approach births and babies differently.  But because the woman that was lovingly shoving this book on me, 😉  had walked this journey of sorrow before I had and after I had…. yes, twice she has had to let go of a child in a very tragic loss. And she knew that pregnancies involved risk and she had risked and hoped only to have them dashed into a thousand pieces of broken hearts and empty arms.  I looked at her and saw the understanding in her sweet eyes… I took the book, held it close as not to show the image of the cover to the other moms around me, reminding them that I had cause to read books on grief and loss.

After the shower I went home with Angey and wouldn’t you know I couldn’t go to sleep that night. So, I thought I would just scan the book (as I have many a book on grief…because it wouldn’t take long before it would show me that I didn’t want to walk that journey with the author because our stories were different, our worldviews were different, etc…)  and I started reading…. and couldn’t stop.  I couldn’t believe how this woman was putting into words exactly how I was feeling those dark months back then. I cried. I feel asleep.  The next day was filled with excitement as Angey’s mom was arriving soon.  Lots of baby talk and anticipating what was to come.

The next night, when all the lights were out the household had gone to bed, and I had my little lamp by the couch and I opened the book again. Tears came almost instantly.  This deep place in my heart was wide open and right on the surface as I turned page after page.  And so this continued,  bright sunny chatter and busy last minute things to do before  baby Cullen arrived during the day, and then quiet dark intimate evenings filled with sobs and memories as this book took my hand and walked me down roads that I hadn’t even known how to put into words since being on them, until I would drift off to sleep as Christ’s comfort through the truthful impacting words of the book washed over my soul.

I finished the book on my plane ride home and was grateful that the lady next to me slept, because I didn’t really want to explain my tears.  But I closed the book that afternoon a changed person. I can’t begin to tell you the healing that just reading her story brought to my heart.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this blog post about this book and my experience reading it,  I know so many may and may not benefit from different things that have helped me over the years. But I think I just wanted to write this out because if you’re a mommy who has had to fight for the right to love a little one who hasn’t been given much hope in the medical world, then I think you would really love to read this book, well, maybe you might not think you would love it, but it might be healing nonetheless. Also, I am so glad that my friend risked being in a awkward situation with me just to bring up this book.  And she didn’t really let me shrug it off, she insisted that I take the book…. GAVE it to me. (trust me, I don’t think I ever would have bought it personally… because a big part of me didn’t want to read it…. why would I want to cry and feel pain?)  But I’m so glad she did. { Thanks Kellie!!! I love you sweet mama! }

Also, for those of you who have friends who have experienced grief, just know that yes years later it may look different, better, even healed. But we still are brokenhearted souls who won’t be fully healed until Christ comes back. So, know that sometimes your friend may be tougher than before… sometimes she may be more fragile…. just keep loving her. And keep being led by the Spirit if He’s leading you to love her in a certain way.

And I just really want to say thank you to Angie Smith for writing down those pages and loving Audrey Caroline so strongly and for holding onto so tightly to the One who turns our sorrows into joy!

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