We walked into the Appleby's, both Dan and I a little nervous. Would she show up? Would she cry? How would Zoe act? We were seated and we waited for her while feelings of gratefulness and protectiveness both churned inside our hearts. This woman had given us our daughter. We had visited with her in the hospital, but those moments had been so lightly tredded on because nothing was for sure. Now, everything was for certain… we are zoe's parents forevermore. Her birth mom was also forevermore living with her decision…. no going back.
She came in a bubbly vibrant woman! Her excitement at seeing Zoe was obvious to all… and I do mean ALL who was in the restaurant. I think it was her outgoing loud demenor that made Zoe immediately want to go to her. She has a very disarming way about her that reminded me of why I was immediately in love with her in the hospital and why I wept so fiercely during the moments of her leaving zoe in the agency's care. I like her. She would have been a good mom to zoe. But good wasn't enough for her… she wanted better for her little girl. And she wanted better for her older daughter. And that wish involved sacrifice. It was so refreshing to sit here 18 months later and hear her speak of no regrets and retell the story of how she knew we were "the ones" and how meeting us the day zoe was born only confirmed that. She said she kept praying before she met us for us to be as wonderful as we were in our letter to her…. she said her prayer was answered the day we walked into that hospital room. :o) I felt so loved… by her and by a very good God.
As we ordered lunch and played with zoe, we talked about her life, our life and all that God was doing in each. Zoe's birthmom "S" was doing Wonderful!! God was doing all sorts of great things in her life and she is really reaching for goals in life and in business. She shared her business dreams with us. Girl, I hope you do it!! Zoe and I will be there for you on opening day!
We did get many looks, some of confusion as I could almost see the gears turning from them trying to figure out the connection at this table, some of sweetness and admiration. It was a very special time for all of us.
I've wanted to blog about this ever since that day… but a part of me just couldn't write it down. I mean, I can talk about it all day long, but I think I've come to realize that typing on this blog really is dumping elements of my soul that is hard to reach… even for me. So, while I'm glad to have this recorded and have it to share with you… the process of getting it written out is at times emotional and exhausting. It's almost like the well of where I store things that are precious and painful and meaningful and hard and confusing and especially the things that I feel are things that I alone must feel or carry… that well is getting deeper and tougher to dip into. I don't know much about things like this… maybe it's normal… maybe it's settling but just deeper…. maybe I have issues… who knows. But I do know that there are moments that I am able to "go there" it's just a very rare day… which I battle knowing if that's God mercy or my hardness.
But right now… in this moment. I'm happy to go there, I'm happy to try to share just a bit of what my heart felt that day a few weeks ago. I'm happy to let you know more about this person who God brought into our life in such an amazing way. "S" I love you! You have a permanent place in my heart. And I'm so proud of you and grateful for your gift of love to this family.