April’s tears

My dearest April, I didn't know what to expect when you called me in tears yesterday. I kept thinking back to the other times you called me crying. Most of the times it involved you being really hurt by someone and also in regret to how you reacted to that person. In fact your tears have always amazed me. You have had to be a tough woman for so long. Some women who have walked in your shoes probably can't cry because they are so hardened by hurt and pain. I think not crying for them is a way of not feeling the pain someone has experienced… but not you. You have confounded me at times because you could talk about how some guy has abused you or used you like it's just another day, maybe it was, but bring up your growing up years and here come the tears…   

I'll never forget watching you with your newborn son in the hospital. I don't think you stopped crying for those 3 days. You hugged him soooo tightly letting your tears fall all over his little bundled body when you had to say goodbye at the hospital, not knowing when the next time you would see him. And you walked out of there, wiping those tears and putting on a very determined face knowing you would do anything you could to get that boy back into your arms. 

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The day you called me crying because you lost your temper at someone because in a moment of vulnerability someone threw your past at you and you lost it… I remember your crying panic of possibly losing your son again, you couldn't bear the thought. I look back at that day with tenderness because I saw my husband drop everything and defend you and show his love for you and Tash but also challenged you to do the right thing….no matter what.  

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You're right, you and I have been through a lot. Sometimes we didn't even like each other very much. But I believe Someone else has been orchestrating our friendship all along and He has been the One to get us through those hard confusing frustrating times.  

So you can imagine the thoughts that were running through my head when you called in tears yesterday. My heart dropped to the floor because I knew I was far away from you and couldn't be there to hug you or sit in the car and talk woman to woman to you. I felt helpless…so I started to pray.  But God really used that moment to show me the gentle mercies of His heart, when I asked you what was wrong and you said…. "I'm just crying sitting here reading your blog"  OH April, Tears came to my eyes as well. Here you are reading my hearts cries and seeing in pictures my life… and yours,  for the past 2 years. 

I hope you are reading this too. Thank you for your sweet comment yesterday. I am so glad God brought you to Seawell st. You may think your desperate ways brought you downtown Raleigh… but I know differently. Your Creator did. He knew you and I would cross paths, He knew I would have lots of spare time that summer and lots of baby things that I couldn't use but you could. He created Tash exactly when He was created. He took care of Tash inside you when you couldn't understand and believe he was really there and growing! He took care of you when you didn't care about Him. This wonderful God loves you more than I ever could… more than any earthly family no matter how good they are… more than any program… HE LOVES YOU! 

I love you girl. I can't wait to see you in a few weeks. You're a wonderful mama and I'm SO proud of you. Look back and read about where we were… but know that you're not there anymore.  

So, good tears, bad tears, happy tears, sad tears… You can call me anytime you want. Know that my heart loves you deeply and my heart breaks and rejoices with you in those special moments. 

with all my heart, 

Casey 

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