I need to blog. Well, what I really need to do is go to bed. But for some reason I"m not sleepy. So I try to use these times to blog. So, if I complain on facebook that I'm tired… tell me I asked for it and should have gone to bed about now.
I've been doing a lot of stuff in regards to Jack this week. Trying to figure out what's all going on with his medicaid and seeking counsel from CPS on his case and even getting to know him more as he grows more into a little guy each day.
So, here's what I've found out. He doesn't have medicaid and I have to go and apply for him. Now, I've heard that's not a lot of fun and I'm personally dreading it. But I will go do it. We thought it was already all set up and so this is really frustrating to a mommy with her hands already full. But I know in times like these it's these types of sacrifices and struggles that cultivate a deeper love for this child who I can't believe I've only known for 4 weeks now.
we were hoping that this would look more like an official kinship care program where he would have a social worker that would have his best interest in mind and would really have a situation that would have more set procedures of how this all looks. About 7 CPS workers have told me that they don't have any jurisdiction over him and that finally when someone did take an initial responsibility in his case, she said that since he's not being abused or neglected then they aren't going to do anything to get involved but are going to close his initial investigation and only will get involved again if he's abused in the future. I begged for just some advice on what to do now in this current situation and didn't get anything back from them. Which I know is hard because they have plenty of other cases that they do have procedures to follow and handle. So, I know they are grateful that he's not being abused as well as I am. But still leaves me wondering who will be his advocate when so many opinions of so many around him will be given over the coming months and years. Again, this was a HUGE reminder that he isn't mine and that God is in control of his life and his future!
I will admit I go through bouts of anxiousness and frustrations and feel like this all needs to be handled ……yesterday. I get mad at myself for thinking some of the agreed apon facts were facts I could live with, I get frustrated with systems that aren't working for my behalf, I feel pity for myself and anger towards his mom and dad that we're doing the hard work of tending to a newborn and enduring the harder months where they have little love and devotion to offer back, especially when I think of having to give him up once he really starts fitting into the family and loving us back. Zoe is a constant reminder of how much he'll change in just 10 months.
But, Then I have to preach the gospel to myself and Dan has to as well remind me that God's in this. And that He didn't just give us the faith to open up our home to this little guy and then go on about HIs business while we have to muster up the strength to endure. No, He's equipping us, filling us, blessing us, with the grace, strength and energy and love to day by day love and care for Jack in his most helpless and defenseless state.
I've been asked a lot if it's hard not to totally get attached to him. Or if I am having to guard my heart with him. And I think this is what I feel. I think that our hearts can adjust to the current situation and understand the type of love that is needed and produces it in those moments. I think it's different than falling in love with a boyfriend or girlfriend and seeing that love cultivate through life. It's more like a new and unique love that has to be created within you with each new child that comes into your family. A love that before that moment you didnt' know looked like that or felt like that. I don't know what the love of having two living children of my own felt like so I can't say this feels different, though I suspect it would, But I can say that it feels wonderful and new and at times scary. I think that it's also like the love that is produced when a mom finds out her child will have a disorder or disability of some sort. You didn't know that you had a love that included a specialty in down syndrome or autism, but gosh, there it is and with time it grows bigger and fiercer and more grounded and super knowledgeable. I think this love for Jack….and Zoe for that matter, is much like that. I'm all of the sudden interested in moms in prisons, and kids being raised by family members and are they getting help, mom's of adopted kids of a different race, I'm interested in the care of different hair and skin than I have… and the list goes on. You adapt and the love within you grows and develops and evolves. It's love evolution! That's a great way to describe it. It changes out of a need to not stay the same. But it changes into something that hadn't existed before then and you really don't know how it came to be. But I do know the never changing Creator of that ever changing Love. And I'm so glad He places within us the ability to feel and give this gift of ourselves and this beautiful thing called love which has so many faces!
So, Keep us in your prayers as we still seek to just be knowledgeable about the situation we are involved in and also that we stay grounded in the truth of God's sovereignty and not the anxiety of present moments or future possibilities.