I've been wanting to share on here some of my mind's thoughts this past week but just haven't had the time or the words to put it in. So when I found myself being able to put it into sentences for a dear friend today I thought that it pretty much summed up the past few days. So I thought I'd just copy and paste it on here for you and just to remember when I look back and read.
"Jack is getting cuter and cuter by the day. He's eating like a champ finally so I think that will put some baby chub on him hopefully. I hope we get to keep him forever and always!!! But I just keep asking God to give him to us but that He knows what will best glorify His name in our lives and Jack's. That's helped me not to fear the unknown. And I told Dan the other day. I mean even if he does go back to his mom or dad… this will have been a year that at most we've given up sleep, conveinence, and some grocery budget for formula and diapers. But to give him a sweet start to life… that's nothing in the grand scheme of things. It's not like he's making us put our life on hold. But girl, I love me some JACK! I am smitten already in ways it took a lot longer with Zoe. Maybe that's because I know what to do and how to feel because of her. Maybe it's because she was such a "village baby" meaning so many people were involved that first month of her coming to us and so I sorta shared her with A lot of others, (and that was a joy seeing her bring healing and happiness to so many who shared our hurt and sorrow as well) whereas with Jack it's just been me + dan + zoe + him most of the time.
And of course looking back, I'm sure being 4 months out from having lost a baby probably did effect me more than I realized then in those first few months of having a baby in the home. I feel so much more grounded now, more settled in my heart. it's like when my soul sighs (and it does often) it says "it is well with my soul". There is still a sadness that I don't know if it will ever go away much like I think the guys who penned it is well with my soul did so with deep intense understanding of sorrow and probably felt it while being able to say those words. It's like my insides have a depth that wasn't there before so, while I will ache always down there…. it allows me to feel other things with a depth that I never had before as well. I still have a hard time crying over things not related to death, so sometimes I feel hardened. But I think maybe there might be life experiences coming that I might need that toughness for. Or maybe God will eventually soften that in me. I will also say, that I am glad we had Zoe first because Jack can instantly touch areas in my heart because he's such a peanut like Asher was and he's so similar to him being a tiny white boy and the way his skin is and the way his lips are… so yeah, I don't think my heart would have been healed enough to do this a year ago. But now, it's just so easy to love him."
God is good.
My note: A soul sigh is the above but directed towards God and something that no one else may see or be aware of. Sort of like a pause in the moment and letting your soul feel deeply and admit it's weariness to the Lord. And also it's yearning for the day where it won't be bound in this earthly shell and in this world of sorrow and pain.