I haven't even met this baby yet and already he fills my thoughts. But then I can't think about him too much because I'm trying to fit three weeks of work into this one week. And so in a way it's good that I'm occupied… but I'm also a stress ball. I think hours of computer work makes me tense all over so I feel physically stressed even when I don't have a reason to be emotionally stressed but me being a female, it's all tied into one big plate of spaghetti where everything effects everything. So, I thought blogging a little might help me take a load off my tight shoulders since watching TV doesn't seem to cut it right now, (and I'm saving my DVR'd shows for those middle of the night feedings that are coming my way soon)
To update you on things, The baby is doing well. We found out today that the doctors actually think he was born 6 weeks premature. So he struggled with sucking and feeding. He's been on a feeding tube and in the NICU up till this week. But now he's in the regular newborn nursery and he's weighing in a 6lbs 2oz. So he's still tiny but growing!! They think he'll get to come home this weekend. So I think we'll be picking him up either Sunday or Monday…maybe sooner. ??
I know this is going to be a challenge like no other. He has a daddy that wants to be a daddy to him but hasn't been able to live life free of drug dependance for the past 10 years. His mom, has had two previous children taken from her and now I'm sure is confused about her relationship with this guy, her future, her emotions, her body, her surroundings.. everything. Both are claiming to be placing their trust and faith in Christ and I think that He is the only One who can right these wrongs and bring this family together in whatever way that is to look like.
Communicating with these two in prison is difficult. Right now, they are only allowed to write letters and send them snail mail. (not one of my strong points) So it's been hard to find the time and the words to say as we write back and forth.
And Dan and I know that this child is ours to care for and to love but not nessisicarily to call our own. We hope that it may come to that if that is what is best for this boy and his family. So, I am thinking all the time of the fact that I want this boy to know he was loved from day one and welcomed even lovingly anticipated into our home! I want him to have the things that make up a heritage even from the start. But how do I pour into him all the things we've given our daughter so far knowing that he may leave and never remember them and also those things will have knit him deeper into my heart. I don't know how. But I do know I have to pour anyway and treat him as my son but know that he's not mine.
I've said before that God taught me through Asher that our children aren't our own and that they are God's to be used however He seems loving and fit. But I don't know that it's supposed to be a lesson I learn and there, it's understood and applied to any child in my life, no problem. I think it's more of a daily thought and prayer that my soul murmers to God as I fall asleep and pray that my child is alive the next morning when I go to pick her up, as I buckle her into the car knowing I can't control other drivers actions, as I bring a newborn into my home who had a rough start and is still learning the basics of being a newborn, as my love for him grows with each feeding and milestone, as the thought of future pregnancies pop into my mind and the fears that come with those thoughts.
Lately, I've been asking God to give me the faith to believe that He truly won't put on me more than I can bear. Some things I think about I don't know that I could bear and when those fears come I just tell God that if He wants to bring things into my life then He HAS to bring the grace and the trust as well and in abundance!!
Writing all these things, I hope you understand that it's a way of preaching to myself. It's so easy to write it down… but I can go to bed here in 10 minutes and be plagued with the very fears I mentioned that God has control over. I hope I am not and I hope I can be filled with belief. I can write about fostering and the desire of our family to live out the gospel to the helpless, but Dan and I still argue about the situation and the fears and misunderstandings and lack of information that we have about the whole thing. We still have our moments of questioning if this is right for us. We still want answers and a clear plan of how this is going to go, and we act ugly when we don't see a green line popping out in front of us telling which way to go next.
But God, (love those two words) being rich in mercy!!! He sustains us and gives us the ability to forgive each other, to not have expectations of others involved, to confess sin and fears to each other, to keep going every day trusting Him for the outcome.