grief changes a person

I know it's been forever it seems. But life is blurring by at record speed and I just haven't had time to sit and ponder. But it's really early and I can't sleep so I will blog. 

Ever since a friend of mine found out she lost a much hoped for pregnancy, I've been an emotional mess. I haven't had much time to give into the emotions lately, but I know the flood is coming. I don't know if part of it's been that Zoe is getting so big and out of the baby baby stage, she's crawling and becoming so curious about the world around her. But when I look at Asher's photos I just ache like I haven't ached in a long time.

 I really wish I could be planning a birthday party for him. I wish he had a full head of dark hair and new teeth. But I know even those things as delightful as they are pale in comparison to the glories of a new body and a life that isn't confined by birthdays. One song/scripture that has meant more to me since Asher was born and died, is Better is one day. "better is one day in your house than thousands elsewhere!" is how the song goes. I've sang it so many times before and it never impacted me as much as it has this past year. I wanted thousands of days for Asher here with us. But I know and Asher truly knows that heaven is better. He lived a better life on the day he was born then all the birthday parties in the world could offer him. 

I have read a few things lately that I have really related to well, so I thought I'd just copy them here and give you a glimpse into my heart and how at times it's really heavy and at times it's really steady, and most of all when I'm taken back by the pain of grief though, it's ready for eternity to begin where no more tears or fears will exist and all things will be made right and new.  

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from Molly's blog: She's referring to a photo she took of her and her husband before even knowing about the trial that would take her daughter from her unexpectedly. 

"One of my good friends uses the phrase “secondary losses.” I think that’s what this year has been—a whole bunch of secondary losses. The loss of innocence. The loss of happiness. The loss of youth.The loss of simplicity. And when you experience those secondary losses, you grieve.

I look at those two people and truly wonder if that is the same person I see in the mirror each day. I feel like I’ve aged something like 10 years since then.

Today, memories like this one make me cry—hard. We had no idea that we were a few weeks away from one of the worst tragedies we’ll ever face.

So if you’re a mom like me, living without one (or more) of your children, take heart that this is indeed one of the hardest things you will ever live through. But that also means that you lived.

The lines around your eyes will deepen. But that also means you’ve seen. You’ve seen the chaos of pain. Your eyes have and will shed tears for people in their pain that you could’ve never understood before. This is a blessed gift.

Hold on with me. We’re gonna make it. We might not be the happy-go-lucky gals we used to be, but our lives here will tell stories of indescribable loss and the love of a God who made us to be exactly who we are—every line, every gray hair. None of it is wasted."

From Jenna's blog: she lost her son Carter on the same day Asher was born last year. So our sons have the same birthday and arrived in Heaven just hours between each other. 

I can hardly believe it has been 11 months since we welcomed Carter into this world and then quickly watched him leave to go home to the Lord. What a quick year it has been. Tough -absolutely the toughest of my life. 

My best friend Jen asked me the other day, would I do it all over again. Without even thinking about it, I said OH YEAH!! Would I give birth to the most perfect looking baby I have ever seen. Oh course!! Would I take 22 1/2 weeks of life over none!! ABSOLUTELY!! Would I spend that 1 hour and 21 minutes with my child all over again. YUP!! And and hard as it is to admit, I would never give up everything the Lord has shown me over this past year. 

I am a different person. Brent and I are different people. We see the world different. We feel different. We talk different. We act different. We love different. We still have not overcome it all. We still don't have a day go by that we feel the loss of our son, our first born child. We still have days that we wish we could start all over again. But, at the end of the day, we can sit back and say…. God you are good, and you are enough!!!"

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Thank you friends for being faithful to write your journey down for others to learn from and cry with. I pray God continues to give me the words to display that the pain is deep and  has changed me forever, and also give Glory to the God who is deeper still and one day will change me one last time forevermore. 

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