I had a wonderful Mothers Day! I was showered with love when Dan "and zoe" gave me roses in two colors for Asher and Zoe! and then gave me flipflops that are the most creative thing ever because they can be changed to match your outfit for that day! check these out!
At church we started out singing On Christ the Solid Rock I stand which is Asher's Hymn and I did have a time of crying because I remember how powerful those words were and still are to my soul. Those verses describe so well the depths of my heart.
When darkness seems to hide His face,
I rest on His unchanging grace.
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood,
Support me in the whelming flood.
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my Hope and Stay.
I was processing what I was feeling and later talking to Dan about it. And it's strange but my heart is heart is very content with the fact of where my son is and the condition he's in right now. I still hurt and hurt even stronger when I think back on those days surrounding his birth and death. Many of my friends who have lost babies are really struggling with missing the "what might have been" or "what he/she'd be doing now" and I haven't had that really. I think a lot of what it is is that due to knowing 10 weeks prior to his birth that the odds weren't high I lived very much in the moment and prayed very much in the moment.. I knew God was over everything that happened and I wanted very much to be found faithful to Him even if the worst came true. So I didn't allow my mind to spend much time on imaging what the future held for him or as his mommy. I didn't have closets filled with baby clothes, I didn't have all the baby supplies ready for him to come home. I just prayed that whatever day he came that God would sustain us no matter how long He would allow us to have our baby.
So, I find myself not missing those "what would he be like right now" moments, but I do feel as though I'm a mom of a son who has died who I miss but I'm so proud to be able to say that he was my son. It's like Asher lived a lifetime in one minute, fulfilling so much of what a parent would want for their child… fighting to live…giving God glory both in life and death…becoming completely healed and pain free…and beholding the face of his Savior. The only thing I could imagine as similar would be a fallen soldier's mom. Totally different I know and I'm not saying I know her pain, but I can imagine the great pride in the pain would be there, for there is much honor even in the death of a soldiers life. So, I often feel older than I am, because of all that. it's strange.
It's strange to think I have a son who is fully grown and is more knowledgeable and godly and happy than I am and ever can be this side of Heaven. I don't imagine him as a baby anymore. I really don't. He's a man and he's enjoying so much the grandeur and glories of heaven.
He's not an angel. He most likely does not have wings. He isn't in a heavenly nursery that needs tending to, He isn't without words, He isn't needing Jesus to comfort his crying spells, He knows what is going on and what Eternity's goal is, He knows Redemptions history and how it's been granted to him. He knows the work of the Trinity. He lives ever growing in knowledge and joy and pleasure.
So, Whereas my experience may differ from some who have lost their children at or near birth, (and I do believe there is yet another aspect of grief when tragedy strikes unexpectedly) I guess I'd say that my grief is very much still in the fact that I do live here on earth with it's imperfections and sin. I still will battle weariness, fear, hardships and pain. I still have to look back to remember and the difficulties are in remembering and reliving the pain and sorrow. I fear ever having to live through that again and have had many conversations with God about those fears. But I also did live through that and I'm not destroyed or forsaken. God is enough and sufficient for my worst fears and darkest nights.
I am grateful for my memories to remember my son and his precious beautiful face, dimpled nose, dark curly hair, and long fingers! I love seeing what a creation of Dan Chappell + Casey Nichols looked like. He was my firstborn and I will always have a bond with him that won't ever go away. I can't wait to have more little creations and raising them up with brothers and sisters who may or may not look like them. :o)
So, on this mothers day, I have a son who is and will always be the oldest son of the chappell family. I love that my kids have a big brother who is NOT forever a baby. I love that throughout the years I will have so many opportunities to talk about and install truth about heaven and the glories of salvation to my children who will walk this earthly life with me.
So as Asher's mommy and Zoe's mommy. I am very proud that God gave me two of the most wonderful unexpected gifts ever. And as a mommy pray that my darling smiling drooling daughter and any other children God may bless me with comes to know Jesus as their Savior and will dwell forever in the grand houses and streets of gold of Heaven and forevermore behold the face of God with joy never ceasing!