journey of grief thus far : part 1

Goodness, how can time just go by like that. I'm sorry I haven't posted in a while. I know my last post was pretty sad, and I still am sad and cry often. Crying I'm convinced is so healthy during this time. When I don't have times of outward tears I can tell my body holds it in and manifests it otherways like tension, and irritability, racing thoughts, and just overall tiredness. So crying is a good thing for me, even though that in a of itself is exhausting. Dan is always so good to just allow me to grief and be honest and to talk through my random often muddled thought process. I know he is grieving as well and he is really good at letting me know when he is missing our son which helps me know I'm grieving with my best friend and love, differently at times yes, but still grieving! 

I wanted to take a little bit of this post and the next few posts  and just explain what I'm going through that might help you minister or understand someone else if and when a tragedy or loss happens. It's also helpful for me to journal these days so that I don't forget and always remember what this journey looked like and felt like. 

 Grief is mind muddling. And at first I didn't know what to do with that and at first it was helpful almost. But now, 6 months later. I hate that I still have a brain that doesn't work near as well as it used to and at times I can't believe the things I forget or just can't process or handle.  

For example, how this is effecting me spiritually is that the bible just is overwhelming if I sit to read it, conversations about deep things of God give me anxiety because I can't process it well, general talking about how everyday battles and fighting sin in those can really be so discouraging and lead to despair. Verses that people so often give me, email me, quote to me, read to me… they can be just words that seem cold and without meaning.  (and I know that's not the intention of the heart and I know those words contain life!)  I've explained to someone lately that I feel as though I need the milk of the word right now… simple, explained out and related for me to my pain, used in another's situation or used in a story in history. 

I'm doing a Beth Moore Study on the Life of Jesus and I'm so thankful for it. Because it is simple and she takes each verse apart and helps to paint a picture for my mind and encourages you to apply it to the most basic areas of your life. To be honest, as a past seminary student there was a time where I might have maybe looked down on those types of studies. I'm just being honest. And yes, I think there is a time for those studies and there is a time to dig deep on your own. But right now I'm so grateful for it, because it's feeding me truth and scripture in a way that my brain can process during this time of muddled mess. 

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