here on earth

I think I thought on heaven so much yesterday that I was frustrated by having to endure with all the earthly trials we are asked to walk through. I was in a funk. I get those often, can't explain them just in a bad mood and mad usually. That was me all afternoon yesterday. I do think getting on the treadmill while in a funk can help you burn more calories because I worked it out yesterday… it made me feel better to take my frustrations out by challenging myself in walking and walking hard. 

Someone said yesterday in an attempt to say something comforting that next year I'll probably be pregnant and laughing about all what we're going through now. I know, we all say things that we just don't mean to say and really just don't make sense. I do it all the time. God gives me grace to endure those comments, knowing their intentions are good. 
But I won't be laughing about all this next year or the next. In Heaven I will be laughing at death because only then will it be defeated and my sorrow will be no more.  
A lot of times people say "well you'll have more kids" or "you're young you'll have another child" I know that seems to be something comforting but having more kids won't make me stop missing Asher. I know it will bring another element of joy to my life and I welcome any and all elements of joy to my life. But even that joy has to kindle with time and will have an element of sadness to it as well, as I think of my firstborn who didn't get to experience each thing we experience with a new child. I love talking about having more kids because I love children and I loved being a mommy. I look forward to that time in my life but I know that even those future experiences have been forever impacted and changed for me. Even the expectation and birth of another child has an element of grieving that will happen alongside with it. But try explaining all that after a fleeting comment of "oh, you'll have another."  Hopefully we will all learn how to think before we say things even in our overwhelming desire to say something right then that seems comforting to the hurting heart before us. Hopefully we will learn to know what Scripture says by heart so that in a time like that we can speak the truth of the balm that soothes all hurts. Hopefully we will learn the beauty of awkward silence or uncomfortable pauses that states so loudly that this isn't the way it's supposed to be and we are unable to making it right or better. Hopefully we will learn to ask God in those moments to speak through us if He so desires right then, or to ask Him how you can love on that person after he or she is not in front of you. The hurting heart doesn't need an immediate cure but long term care and even if you write down the thought out words you wanted to say weeks ago but didn't have the heart hears them as if it was on that very day.   Believe me I am hoping and learning with you all! 


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