two appointments

I have two appointments on my book this week. And both make me a little anxious and nervous to anticipate. 

Tomorrow is my postpartum appointment and to be honest I"m just not looking forward to going back to that hospital and seeing the OB and all that it entails. I feel like before we were so confident and just chose to be so hopeful in front of all the Dr.'s, we had something to fight for. Now, I know they will be sweet and all, I just don't want to go back. I wish I could place my 7 week old baby in their arms and just glow knowing that God did heal my child and see them marvel. But that's not what God chose. And I know He wants His name to be made known and to be made great at UNC hospital, so hopefully He will give us the words to say when they ask us how we are or the answers to give when they ask about our future plans. That our empty arms will boast louder of His grace and goodness than they would if they were busy comforting and settling a baby.  
Friday we have an appointment with wake county human services in regard to our status with them. We are licensed foster parents with them (we have not had a placement due to everything being put on hold once we discovered we were expecting) But we are still wanting to be used in the foster division of the state, however after losing Asher my heart probably wouldn't have the right perspective of fostering a child that over time would be best reuniting with his parents. (which IS the goal of fostering when possible) That mindset is so important to have because then it gives you the understanding of your role and how God may want to use you during this short term time in this child's life.  
I do want to foster in the coming years, however for right now and the next few years I think a more permanent addition to our family would be best for our hearts and home. Dan and I have always wanted to adopt and the desire is still very strong.  I know another child will never replace Asher and that I still have more grieving to do before children come, and that I will always grieve his absence in our lives no matter how many children we welcome into it.  
So, we are hoping to at least get on the track of getting approved through the state to be a family they would consider for adoption. Often it does take a long time to get stuff done and accomplished through the state , so I want to have patience and a knowledge that I have time right now to do the little steps and to also still rest and immerse myself in the quietness of my home, soaking and breathing in Christ at anytime I want. Those are crucial needs of my soul right now and I know that I will need more of Him and more knowledge of Him and His word as life goes on and doors open and our homelife gets busier with family and ministry.  Those are days I long for and look forward to, sometimes the quietness here is too loud, but I know that right now… right here is a place that is one day I will look back on and crave this sweetness and depth of intimacy with God that only abides alongside the depth of sorrow in my heart. 
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