"think…think…think." ~ winnie the pooh. Lately I've had some much needed time and space just to think and process all that has happened and is happening. I think that you've got to have that in order to be able to appreciate others when you spend time with them and are able to talk about your feelings and know what you are talking about. I included this photo because it's on the curtain right behind my computer (which is also the nursery) and many times I look up and I'm doing the same thing as this guy. Except my 'hunny' is a cup of hot coffee with hazelnut biscotti creamer!
I think about our baby often these days. I wrote this to a friend yesterday as I was trying to put into words what my day yesterday was like, since Asher would have been one month then.**
I am longing for my baby today. My arms keep aching to hold him and then I go to remember what it was like and they go cold and numb because I think my body gets a little anxious when I mentally go back to that day and all it entailed. (I did not have a very good c-section experience, especially being so optimistic about the actual surgery and our baby's life.)
So, it's a little frustrating to balance my longing to remember and wanting to forget.
I'm so much in baby mode!! …..it's really hard because I am so distracted from everyday life but I have nothing to oooh and aahh over or care for. It's like I'm crazy… I know I'm not because this really did happen, but to the outside world I'm just a woman with no kids. There is no going back to the woman I was but there is nothing to keep me growing as the mother I am now. That's where I have to plant my identity in Christ as His child alone. But that's been a daily, hourly struggle.
All that to say, that I am still missing Asher like crazy but I've been more able to process mentally and spiritually some of the details that you just want to not deal with during the first few weeks…. and I'm sure I"m still in the "first few weeks" and some things will just take time and more time. I want process and remember Asher's every little everything! I am in love with his precious ears… oh, how I want to eat them up. And I still can't get over his big ol' hands… He had such long fingers just like my sister, crazy all the little elements that make up your child that we have no control over and God just knits away! I'm so grateful to have those memories and photos of him to keep remembering and to comb over and notice all the littlest details that I might have missed that short night.
But I mentally can't or I should say don't want to process the moments before Asher and the days following his leaving us. I guess that takes time.???… any takers/comments on that one? How did you handle the memories that were just awful? I don't have fear because it's in the past but my body literally gets unsettled and uneasy when I think about it. But I just don't want to forget even those moments because they are a part of my birthing experience with Asher. And due to the way they did my surgery (t-cut) I will have to have my babies c-section in the future, so I really don't want to totally dread the procedure… although I think it's a little too soon to even think about going through that again.
Anyway, you can tell why I titled this post such, because I do feel like I'm rambling a little about my thoughts as of late. Thanks for reading… I"m going to muse over some things and i"ll be back with another post later this week.
~ Thinking Back… It was also my brother's birthday yesterday as well. Happy Birthday Bubba John! I can't believe you are 27!!
~ reThink… also in honor of my post's title I wanted to mention a friend of ours, Steve Wright who is the youth pastor at Providence Baptist. He has been such an encouragement to Dan and Dan has often said that he hopes one day to have a son just like his son, Tyler. Steve co-authored a book titled reThink and is a must read for anyone who has preteens or teenagers or just a heart for teenagers, the church and family.