It was Friday morning and my stomach was flipping and so upset from nerves, today was the day I was going to bury my son. I had never been to a graveside service and I didn't want to go to this one. I was getting frustrated because I had done so well at the service the night before, why was I feeling like I was on the verge of a breakdown and that I was about to lose it. Get it together I kept saying to myself but I still couldn't attain the place of peace I had thursday night.
We headed to Harris Teeter to pick up the 37 balloons to release at the funeral to celebrate the 37 weeks we had with him in our lives during pregnancy. I love balloons. But not today. Dan went in to get them and I stayed in the car. one by one little kids came out the doors of the store with their bright balloon tied on their wrist or shopping cart, I guess kids get a free balloon at HT. There seemed to be endless kids and endless balloons and endless joy of a morning shopping trip with a mom and her child, they all looked so happy.
I could feel my anger rising and feelings of panic. This was new, I hadn't been angry at anyone since Asher was born. I was sad, but not angry. Dan had the balloons, and was standing outside the door waiting for his parent's van to come so we'd have room to bring them to the funeral. Here he was standing with a ton of white balloons and next to him this stream of joyful balloon carrying kids. I was SO mad. I didn't want those white balloons, I wanted one bright colored balloon with my child holding it. I can't say I am proud of how I acted that morning, I really was mean and ugly and MAD, thankfully my husband and inlaws knew that there was so much going on in my heart that they were really understanding.
So, we left with the balloons and made it to the cemetery and I didn't want to be there, I was still really mad. But I knew as Asher's mom I needed to be there and that I had to be there. And so we went and released our 37 balloons.
On the way to our cars after the service my sister brought me a giftbag and said I thought of you when I saw this the other day and had to get it for you. So, I opened it and of course started crying, it was a little figure of a child holding a balloon, the perfect gift for that very moment and reminder that even in my anger and sadness that there is hope. I may not have a child holding a balloon but God has a child that is clinging to hope. Hope that He will carry me through, Hope that He does have higher ways and that they are good and better than mine. Hope that He will take care of Dan and I, Hope that He will always provide what we need when we need it, Hope that He has placed this love of a family and for children in our hearts and He has purposes for that, Hope that this earth doesn't hold the key to my happiness and that we live for another home that holds joy unspeakable and pleasures forevermore. Hope that He is coming back for me.
Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?
HOPE in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation ~ psalm 42:5
You will forget your misery;
you will remember it as waters that have passed away.
And your life will be brighter than the noonday;
its darkness will be like the morning.
And you will feel secure,
because there is HOPE.