are you having a good day?
Some people have asked "are you having a good day?" or "is today a good day or a bad day"? and I can't really say that at this stage of loosing someone that there are any good days. There are welcomed moments of relief or distraction and there are really hard hours of intense emotion and ache, but the days in general are colored by a constant knowledge of the fact that we should be parents but aren't. In the noise there is a quietness within that is missing him, in the silence there is a loudness of loss and knowing that it is too quiet. In the alone times I'm so aware of that there is no baby here with me and in the times I"m in a crowd I'm painfully aware that I don't have a stroller to push or a child to keep up with.
Although I"m not crying all the time or even most of the time, the tears are free to come at any moment they choose. So I can't really use crying as my marker of a good/bad day. In fact nothing really is a marker so that's why it's hard to answer that question when others ask. Of course, I know that in a big way it's just what we ask each other, I mean, what else can you ask? I will say that when asked, even though I usually understand the heart with which it was asked, I want to just say "there are no good days!" Yes, there is a good God and in a way every day that God breathes life into us is a good day, but relatively speaking, which is generally the context in which that question is asked, no. I'm not having a good day. That does not mean, I'm depressed, I'm hopeless, I'm despairing, I'm faithless. I have Hope, I have Faith ( and pray God gives me more and more) but that doesn't bring my son back, it just assures me that there is purpose in my sufferings and there is more to this life than my son… namely, Christ and His work in my life to conform me into His image. That process is all too often a painful one and a slow one for sure, but I know that His hands are steady and meticulous in conforming each of us and that when He is complete…. now that will be a Good Day!
But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; …..So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, 2 Corinthians: 4:7-17
** the first two songs on the playlist are two of my favorite hymns…. the first we sang this sunday and it was so great to worship! (I will say it will always remind me of driving around lost as all get out in Austin TX looking for a coffee shop… remember that Angey and Kristin?…this was playing while we were endlessly searching!)
Amazing grace, I finally saw the movie this weekend. I can't believe I hadn't seen it already but oh so good!! It made me want to change the world somehow!