I’ll never be the same!

Hi everyone,

This is Casey and I just wanted to write a little bit as I have a little down time in our last evening at the hospital. I can't begin to fully explain or tell all that I have experienced the past few days. But I wanted to just share a few moments that impacted my life forever.

First, my water broke on Saturday and wow, what a feeling of excitement and fear and sheer joy. I'm having our baby…today!!! I never saw that coming but I guess God had His timing for Asher. We had just finished that morning putting our nursery together as mentioned in our last post.

So off to the hospital we go… Dan was such a nervous new daddy and drove like a madman! I kept telling him that we could take our time because I wasn't havng any contractions. Still he wanted to GET there fast!

We were admitted and had to wait a little while for the c-section due to the time I had last eaten… thanks to Kristin loving me with some m&m's (who knew) meanwhile we got to know our medical staff for that evening. All of them were amazing and great! I had the best nurses and surgeons! They were so kind to me and Dan. Both nurses (Amy and Viterose) were believers and I know were covering me in prayer that night. My anesthesiologist Bridget was AMAZING! She was a huge calming and comforting factor before the surgery.

I almost passed out right before going back and then after a little while calmed down and pretty much was fine the rest of the surgery. I was horribly sick to my stomach the whole time though…which doesn't make it any easier. We had met with the NeoNatologist team before going back and he had said that they would do everything they could do help our baby and that it would be a real chaotical time in the OR with so many people working iin there on him and me. Well when they finally got Asher out (it took them quite a while) the Neonatal team took him and I could see all of their backs and no one was making a sound they were silent and some were shaking their heads…. I felt so helpless. So finally I yelled "it's way too quiet in here I REALLY NEED someone to start telling me what's going on NOW". So Dan came back over and was pretty concerned, confused and worried…. The Surgeon came over to me and was trying to explain a lot of stuff and I just looked at him and asked if Asher was still with us. And he shook his head and said he wasn't. Dan and I were crying hard and though we had tons of questions and didn't really know what was going on or had gone on… it was something concrete knowing that our child was in the arms of our Savior!

After that it felt like it took hours to get me sewed back up and able to be moved. But the whole time they let Dan wrap Asher and hold him and let me look at him and be really really close to him. It was a horrible time for our hearts and bodies but our souls were so happy that we were finally holding our son and that he was whole and completely perfect in Heaven and beholding the face of God.

Dan went out and told those in the waiting room and came back and was able to change Asher into a sweet little outfit and blanket we had brought for him. The Medical staff then took us to a big Labor and Delivery room and let our family and friends come back and have all the time we wanted with him.  So many held him and loved on him and was able to see what a beautiful baby he was. He had such curly hair and so much of him looked just like me. I know he would have had Dan's brown eyes and I know their are parts of him that once I compare pics will amaze me even more. He was BEAUTIFUL! I beemed with pride and joy as his mother. I still don't know what to do with that feeling of being so proud to be his mom and yet he's not here to tell that to. I am a mommy and don't really know what to do without him to take care of. I miss him SOO much.

Dan and I then got to have him spend the night with us in our room that night. We didn't sleep but a few hours and in the morning had a precious time of devotion and prayer over him and said our final goodbyes. I would have thought before all this that I would never have the strength to do something like that or that it might be a little strange to have him there with us. But it was so sweet and right and I don't know something comes alive inside of you when you're child is born and we were his parents and we would have done anything for him. It was such a precious time of communion with God and just a special time for Dan and I to be in a room alone as parents to this sweet baby. We never will be the same.

Since then we have had lots of visitors and family and friends come by and I don't think the hospital has really seen such support as we've had. One friend got asked by the check in guy if we were famous?  I had to laugh at that one. However, it has made me ponder how anyone goes through something like this without this kind of support. I will really look at hospital visits totally differently now that I've been on this side of things. 

We've caught up a little on our sleep and my stomach pain is still pretty painful but on it's way to healing. we are both REALLY worn out and found out tonight after trying to plan some of the service/burial details, that really we just needed to put down everything and cry together as dad and mom. We are both missing our son so badly. We are different now and  each step is a new one and each day is a new day and though we have great hope and peace we have great sorrow and many tears. God has drawn very near to us during this time and He is such a Great God.

We are planning our son's memorial service and hope to get things and information finalized and official soon. But please….Plan to come if you at all can. It will really be a real special time of worship and a huge support.  It's Thursday at 5:30 at Open Door Baptist church in Raleigh, NC (www.opendoorlife.com).

I know you are all dying to see Asher's sweet photo and we will post them tomorrow I promise!!! I can't wait for you to see him.

Keep praying for us and Thank you THANK YOU for loving us the way you do!

Love, Casey 

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