deeper still

Dan and I just got back from a weekend in Charlotte NC. A friend gave us tickets to the ECU/VT football game and so we decided to go and just make it a getaway weekend. The game rocked! (aside from some REALLY hyped up drunk ECU fans! wow!) I must admit it was my first college football game. It was a huge sight to behold and the crowd's excitement was impressive! 




We stayed the night in downtown Charlotte (such a neat downtown!) and then went to Crossway Church this morning. Some of our good friends the Seaver Family and the Oddy Family serve there and it was great to worship with them and exchange hugs and sweet fellowship.
 As great as the weekend was, it was just as hard. I think, for me especially, a new level of sadness has set in our hearts. Dan and I love going to new cities and sight seeing but for many reasons there wasn't that sense of adventure or desire to do "fun" things. I've been missing Asher for hours on end and still am dealing with crazy post partum hormones (well, really I don't know what is grief and what is normal after pregnancy issues) I sure don't feel very stable at times.
This last week I hung out with some friends who have little ones and they were so gracious to let me hold and love on their children. And I think as much as I enjoyed those precious babies, I began to understand something that was really important for my heart to grasp, that as much as I desire a child to hold and a little one to mother right now, any child, any baby will not quench my heart's thirst and my arm's ache. I'm aching and longing for Asher…. my son whom I cared and prayed for in those 37 weeks and fell totally in love with the second I saw him. That is who I'm grieving for. He is the one my heart and breath seem to catch with just the thought of.
I say that because the past few weeks my heart has often tried to tell me that if I had a child to hold and take care of that I would have something… somewhere to place all these emotions and longings I have flooding my being right now. I know those thoughts are probably very normal as a mother who has lost her child but I still want to battle those ideas because they seem to promise happiness and purpose to me during this time. And as much as I hate that this is too big of a reality to ignore, how many times before now have I given in to the promises of purpose and lasting pleasure only to find that they have left me not satisfied and still craving desperately to be fulfilled. How many times???
I wish it wasn't so, but I've battled with this for years… single, studying, married, working, moving, staying, nothing was ever enough. Even though I knew I was to find my happiness and sole purpose in being a Child of God I don't think I knew quite what that was supposed to look or feel like. I have been living as a Child of the King, Heir of Christ, and yet being too busy consumed with earthly responsibilities…(thinking that they would bring joy and purpose) to rest in my Father's care and enjoy His provision and position for my life.
(Now, most of these things and pursuits are great and often very godly desires unless they take the rightful place of God in your life…so many times christian duties and religious pursuits can become idols of the heart and sit down stubbornly and deceivingly on Christ's throne in your life.)
I think the past few weeks have been the first time in my life probably that I've been able to truly rest and find comfort in just who I am in Christ. I have been healing from the delivery and thus not able to have really been cleaning my home, working in my business, serving my husband, or caring for a child… talk about feeling without purpose. But God really has come near to this brokenhearted woman and given me such purpose and has like never before burned on my heart his love for me as just His child, the one He chose to set His love upon, the one that without Him would be left to her own to forever wander in a world that can never bring pleasure that satisfies, or rest that renews, or joy that is enduring.
…, whereas the pain and grief of my journey are deeper than ever…. so are His mercy and grace.
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