this road

An old friend posted this note to me and it really helps to sum up a little of what I feel right now. Deep Deep Love and Trust and at the same time I feel like my insides have been scrambled and I’m left with emotions I don’t know where to put or how to express or really which ones to feel.

She started with a quote:

“To be grateful for an unanswered prayer, to give thanks in a state of interior desolation, to trust in the love of God in the midst of cruel circumstances, obscenities, and the common places of life is to whisper a doxology in darkness.”

The answers we seek aren’t really all they’re cracked up to be. In fact, I think it’s HERE – in this place where clarity is the last thing we can find… it’s HERE where “it” happens. The rest of life really is just a side show…or so it seems. And it’s not about passing a test or something. It’s about the *real* tenderness of God and the *real* warmth and closeness of Him. There’s something about utter confusion and wrenching loss that bring to life what has only been Sunday-school lessons to us up until now.

So much of my life has been sunday school lessons and I really have been spared much suffering. I know that this will produce something great in both Dan and I and I pray towards that. This just is not the road I would ever choose to walk and often I sit down and cry and tell God I’m not walking down it anymore and look desperately for a side trail to take instead so at least it’s not this road! But I know that is the road to joy long term. I must walk it. I must not wish each step away and there is no running on this road… just a steady heavy plodding along. In the end, “oh! come quickly Lord Jesus” may He have made and proven us faithful.

“The root of faith can never be torn from the godly breast, but clings so fast to the inmost parts that, however faith seems to be shaken or to bend this way or that, its light is never so extinguished or snuffed out that it does not at least lurk as it were beneath the ashes.”

—John Calvin, Institutes of the Christian Religion, 3.2.21

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