This is Dan…I wanted to write about what I am thinking and I figured I should do this while I can say I truly believe it. I have my moments when darkness tries to hide His face. Those that know me well know that I have been beyond involved in this baby’s life from the day I found out (Christmas morning). I have fallen madly in love with a child I have never met and don’t even know the gender yet. I have been overly concerned for months now that something could be wrong with our baby. I have been overwhelmed at times by the thought that this child would be less than perfect. What a difference a day makes! Today my understanding of perfect is much broader than before. Our child is perfect and the designer makes no mistakes, even though according to the standards of our fallen world this child has design flaws. However, our baby was not created for this world alone nor were we! God has taught me in an moment the fleeting vanity of trusting in our circumstances. I am like that at times treating each (good) circumstance as the new high for the day. However, what happens when the circumstances are not good but devastating? You will find out in an instant who or what owns your heart! I have known the pain of repentance for vain joy and the pleasure of a comforting High Priest within an hours time…This is Real! I would give everything I am, my heart, my strength, my entire life if it meant saving my baby’s life. But I cannot possibly love or give as much as Christ has already done.
Again, those who know us know we talk about suffering in this life a lot, and really it is to be expected in a fallen world (I think they should rename all disorders and defects-“Adam’s Sin”). So now we must live it and walk it. I do not want to! I felt at first that my baby would be better off to go now but this was just my selfishness because I did not want to suffer deeper pain. But relationships are messy and those who avoid getting closer for fear of pain never enjoy the pleasure of God found in real human relationships. I will fight with all I have and go through whatever pain I must in order to spend just 1 minute with my baby, just to say I am your daddy and I love you! I feel like God has shouted that to me several times in the last 48 hours. C.S. Lewis has said;”God whispers to us in our pleasure, but shouts in our pain.” This is true for me today.
Someone the other day said that God is going to glorify His name by healing this baby. I believe that and I pray for that , yet it occurred to me that he already has been about the work of putting His glory on display. He has seen countless numbers of people pour out their hearts to Him in intercession for us- this glorifies His name. We know Christ (even though we have humanly felt like we would trade this) more deeply today than just a few short days ago-this glorifies His name. We believe in the local body of Christ as God’s ordained body to aid us on our journey back home more than ever (we love you TCC)- this glorifies His name. We trust the work of the Cross- to bring healing to us and our baby both now and ultimately in eternity (his choice)-this glorifies His name. I could go on, but these are just a few of the things I see and know today. Jesus Heals a man born blind in John 9, and the pharisees ask him who sinned this man or his parents. I love it when Jesus answers questions meant to corner him. Jesus responded that neither this man nor his parents sinned but that the works of God might be displayed in him! What a promise this is. Jesus is full of grace and truth, and from His fulness we have received grace upon grace (John 1:14b,16). William Cowper’s “Sometimes a Light Surprises” comforts me a lot especially the second verse:
In holy contemplation we sweetly then pursue
The theme of God’s salvation, and find it ever new.
Set free from present sorrow, we cheerfully can say,
Let the unknown tomorrow bring with it what it may.
We love you all and thank you for your words (especially the Words of Life) that serve us with much grace. I will save this and post it now because I am sure that within the hour I will be tempted greatly not to believe it….